


explosions in the sky (soulmates never die)

by pixelpop (orphan_account)



Category: Free!
Genre: Confusion, Emotional Makoto, I'm assuming their personalities and/or making them up cause i can, M/M, Pining, Possibly Out of Character, Unrequited Love, also he's haru, cause fuck you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-18 09:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/878494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pixelpop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto doesn't hate Rin. He <i>doesn't.</i> </p><p>Really.</p><p>He just wishes he could make Haru act the way Rin can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	explosions in the sky (soulmates never die)

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 9/21/14: oh my god i just read the old notes from this and i'm laughing so hard i wrote this the day the first episode this anime came out wow how time has passed. Title taken from Sleeping with Ghosts by Placebo.

Makoto had always felt like Haru was just out of his reach, flitting past his fingertips in a way that was not only frustrating but absolutely heartbreaking as well. Rin held something over him that none of them did, not even Makoto.

Makoto wouldn’t say that Haru ever had anything like a “best friend”, but if he were forced to explain, Makoto would say that he himself was Haru’s “better” friend. He wasn’t sure why, but he’d always thought him and Haru got along better than any other combination.

Maybe it was just his imagination.

Makoto felt like a liar when he told himself that he understood Haru’s absolute undying love for the water, because in all honesty, he didn’t really get it. Now— that makes him sound like a bad friend, or at least one that doesn’t make sense. He swims, yes that’s true, but the thing that Haru has for the water just hasn’t got Makoto. He hopes that maybe if he pretends, Haru will edge closer, but that seems unlikely.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to know that one you call your best friend, probably doesn’t even think it like that. Haru has friends. Haru has acquaintances.

And Haru has Rin.

That’s not what bothers Makoto the most though. It’s the fact that no matter what Makoto does he can’t get that same emotion out of him like Rin can. He feels useless. But Makoto doesn’t hate Rin— he doesn’t even _dislike_ him —he just wishes he had what Rin does.

Makoto’s still not quite sure what that is.

Nagisa has surprised Makoto one time and one time only, and this was during a passing conversation at lunch while Haru was out sick that day. (Makoto says it like this only because he doesn’t want to admit he forgot to get him one time, which makes him feel worse.)

Nagisa had been chattering away, something about Haru and swimming, and Makoto made a rare snide comment about Rin being the only one to really challenge Haru-chan. Nagisa had broken off mid-sentence, and blurted out the most absurd thing:

“Are you jealous of Rin?”

Makoto said nothing. It’s hard to react when someone has pointed out your weakness so easily, easier than you have even addressed it. It made him feel sick, and his lunch lay untouched.

Haru was back the next day, and Makoto felt like he had failed him somehow. He’s a fake, right? He was the friend that pretended to understand him just so he could get closer, just so he could maybe understand Haru completely. But Makoto _knew_ that no one knows Haru like that. Ever since middle school Haru sort of just _closed up_.

In the back of Makoto’s mind he thinks maybe it’s because Rin left, but that just hurts him even more.

And now it feels like Haru is drifting farther away, floating with the currents of the ocean that will somehow inevitably lead to Rin. Rin is the star, the only one that can challenge Haru. Rin went to Australia, and he goes to a private school. _Rin Rin Rin._

Makoto is more frustrated than before.

He thinks for one moronic second that he should just quit getting Haru for school, let him drown in that bathtub for all he cares, but Makoto won’t admit to that. He would never do that, because really that’s their only special thing. That’s all they have between just them. Nagisa trails along like a puppy, and Rin is the one Makoto resents but also won’t admit to still loving like a friend.

Makoto begins another frustrating day by arriving at Haru’s house, not bothering to knock because he knows now that Haru is always in the same place. He can’t remember how long he’s been doing this, and the thought vaguely pecks at the tail end of his memory.

Only— Haru isn’t _in_ the bath.

Makoto books it to the kitchen, and then around the house a few times. _He can’t have left, could he? No, he always does this, every morning. And I come and get him._ To think that this thing they have will be broken too makes Makoto want to scream.

But that’s not Makoto. The Makoto that Kou-chan, Rin, Nagisa, and even _Haru_ know is warm and smiles, and is never angry.

But this time Makoto is disappointed.

Just as Makoto is about to give up and go to school (albeit his mood and possibly life now ruined) he hears the gate squeak open, and then front door. Haru tromps in, wearing his swim gear and obviously wet. He shakes his hair out, water droplets flying, and Makoto’s heart skips a beat. _What? No, that’s just dumb._

“What?” Haru looks confused, and Makoto realizes that he’s staring, dumfounded and also relieved.

“Where were you?”

“I went for a swim in the ocean. It looked nice out, so I thought I’d skip the bath if the water’s warm.”

“I thought you’d already left.”

“Why would I do that?” Haru moves past Makoto and into the kitchen. Makoto’s heart fumbles again, and his mood is revived times ten. _He likes our thing too. This is our special thing._ It’s stupid that he thinks that getting Haru in the morning is so special, but he doesn’t want it go away. If it did, then Makoto would just be another stray like Nagisa, and he would have to sit on the sidelines and still pretend that he was the supposed “best friend.”

“Do you want fish?”

“Isn’t it getting a little late? You can eat some of my lunch on the way there if we skip breakfast I mean, I don’t mind—.”

“I’m making fish,” his tone has an edge of finality, and Makoto backs off. Makoto had never thought if Haru liked routine as much as he did, but he supposes it’s possible. “You can have some if you want.”

Makoto nods and sits down at the table.

When Haru is done making the fish, they eat quietly, and Makoto suddenly remembers he’d already eaten breakfast. _Well, it’s not bad to humor him, I suppose._ But now he’s just irritated with himself, choking down the fish over a bitterness of how melodramatic he was being. _Haru’s not that dumb, of course he’s your friend. Why are you being so defensive lately anyways? And Nagisa has nothing to do with this, you’re just being stupid!_

“Are you okay, Makoto?”

“Er yeah,” Haru is staring at him, head cocked sideways like a bird, and Makoto shovel down the rest of your fish. “Why do you ask?”

“You looked funny, I dunno. Maybe you were thinking too hard.”

“Yeah, maybe I was.”

The school day is normal, but Makoto just keeps getting more irritated with himself as the day goes by. Okay, so Makoto doesn’t hate Rin. He’s already addressed that, and knows for a fact that Rin is just having a hard time with swimming, and that he just needs a confidence boost, right? Ugh, Makoto doesn’t remember the last time his thoughts were filled with as stupid of things as this, and it’s pointless too. He’s just getting behind on his schoolwork, and Haru is as stoic as ever!

Nagisa cheers him up though with an offer to head to the beach after school, and Haru just grins at that. It’s not a full grin, but more like a— well, a _Haru_ grin. Haru doesn’t really smile, and when he does they look kind of crooked, but Makoto loves them anyways.

They spend the evening daring each other to jump in (which Haru obliges completely, not even caring that the water is a bit too chilly) and collecting strange rocks. Nagisa always had a thing for collecting back in middle school, and he shows it by picking up almost every pebble he can find.

Haru looks happy. Makoto is happy, and thankfully not struggling with emotions he can’t quite identify and a weird jealousy and hope that strangle his heart and vocal chords. It can’t be healthy.

The sun starts to set for real, and Nagisa is _way_ too excited to be normal. He plops himself down in the sand, right in front of the waves, and watches. Makoto and Haru stand farther back, Haru smiling that strange crooked smile.

Makoto’s stomach flutters again, and he feels like he can’t breathe. Haru looks so content, and Makoto is just so _okay_ with that. He doesn’t want to be dumb anymore, and sit around moping about— about _what_?

He absently brushes his fingers against his chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heartbeat. _Is that where this is coming from? All the confusion and jealousy?_

Makoto just wishes that Haru would notice him like he notices Rin. He wishes that he would look at him without those stoic eyes, give him life, _something._ For god’s sake, Makoto has known him the longest, and he’s never really made him look that way.

_Only Rin._

Makoto sighs out loud.

“Have you ever felt really jealous over something, Haru?”

“Not really.”

“Never? You’ve never felt jealous?”

Haru looks at Makoto, eyebrows drawn together. “There’s nothing out there for me to want that I don’t have. I have the water, and my friends.” Haru looks at Nagisa. “You both matter more to me than jealousy.”

“And Rin?”

“What about Rin?”

“Is there anything he has that you want, or maybe vice versa?”

 Haru doesn’t answer for what seems like an eternity.

“Rin isn’t himself right now. I can’t think of him in any light when he’s like this. And no— I’ve never wanted anything he has.”

Makoto almost wants to say _Not even Australia?_ But the words just won’t come out. He feels better now that he knows that him and Nagisa matter, and maybe Haru isn’t so distant after all.

But he is still so thoroughly confused. Makoto still longs to see something in those eyes, something that he can’t put in them. He has the kindling but no stones, and Rin has already run off with them. And that stupid fluttery feeling, god _what is that?_ But— dammit he knows.

He knows and he won’t admit it.

Fast forward one month with no Rin, and a basic life filled mundane thoughts, and Makoto still plagued with the butterflies, but about ten times worse now. He can’t even get Haru in the bathroom now; he just stands outside the door and knocks.

It hurts too much.

And when he finds out one day that Haru isn’t there, this time completely gone because he’d decided to skip and go swimming with Rin— which is _so_ out of character for him plus Rin is back in their daily lives again —Makoto almost cries.

Makoto loved Rin back in middle school; he was a cool kid, that’s for sure. But now he’s just— yuck. He makes Makoto’s stomach turn. When he touches Haru, when he’s around Haru, when Haru gets that competitive look in his eyes.

Makoto lies down on his bed and just contemplates jumping into the sea.

He feels it. It’s sticky, and it’s in his throat, making his chest feel miles high and yet his stomach is bottoming out. Haru is wonderful, with his stupid crooked smile, and obsession with water, and how he loses track of time so easily, and how he only looks at _Rin_ that way.

It’s not really a realization, it’s just that Makoto finally admits that he’s in love with his best friend, and never wanted to say it. He was defensive, he was irritated with Rin, and he just yearned for Haru to just _look_ at him.

It’s unbelievably frustrating if you know Haru personally.

It’s another morning that Makoto is there to pick Haruka up for school, and Haru is quiet when he comes out of the bathroom. Makoto stands in the hall as he hears him get dressed, and then as soon as Haru is back, Makoto throws caution to the wind. He’s given up.

“What would you do if you were in love with your best friend?”

Haru shrugs, picking up his bag. “If I were in love with you I would say it.”

Out of context it could break his heart, but Makoto is hoping he is just that dense. “What if I said I was in love with you?”

“I’d say ‘that’s good to know.’”

Makoto spends what seems like forever praying that it isn’t Rin.  

           


End file.
